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Dr. Phil Ruined My Life

How stupid are we, you and I?

“Well, I’m not so sure about you, but I’m…”

Of course, no one thinks that they are stupid. And we most certainly are not.

Insert Dr. Phil voice over here: “So how’s that workin’ for ya?”

…goddamnit, I hate that man. I swear it was the pop-psychology tag-team of “Dr.” Phil MacGraw and his bitch-goddess-overlord, Oprah Winfrey that shattered what tenuous hold I had on an already “iffy” marriage. Tore it all apart. Gave her all-new definitions of what was fundamentally unsound in our relationships together, with ourselves, with our parents and as parents ourselves. Then shoved it all into her head.

She believed in “The Big ‘O’”, my beloved children’s mother (the children being the loved – mind you - their mother, the “b”). There was no utterance, no guest utterance, no Mega-Multinational, Planet-Destroying, Police-State-Promoting, corporate sponsor that could ever be less than 100% accurate, correct, or perfectly pure than those contained within the visionary 60 minutes of the Oprah Winfrey Show. Here was Gospel, spelled out in unquestionable manner to unquestioning mom.

That is until the Dubious Doctor made “Truth” last for two hours on the television.

When “Dr.” Phil squirmed into his own sponsored 60-minute psychodrama, Goddess “O” and her Acolyte Disciple Doctor accounted for enough bullshit-brainwash, armchair psychiatric gibberish to convince women like my kids’ mom. With the extra hour of “programming” they were able to create unholy, Manchurian-Candidate-Moms, ready for the subconscious trigger to snap to attention and fall in rank with the Zombie-Robot-Housewife-Army. This is the ever-enlarging mass of awning-wearing women who have already destroyed such treasured heritage as lawn darts, super-explosive firecrackers and BB guns.

“OH!” they cry – forearm to forehead, feigning fainting, “won’t someone think of the children!”

And there it is, baby. There ain’t nothin’ that’ll sell it to the cheap seats like Dead Babies!

You give her one Dead Baby and Oprah will give you ONE THOUSAND angry mothers!

Fuck! Nestlé be eatin’ that shit up!

“So, O’ Honey, you telling yo’ sponsoring corporate interest, that every baby they kill give them 1,000 activated viewers? Who you tryin’ to kid? Shit, mama, that some serious dope yo powerful ass be bringin’.”

And on the homefront, MomZombie – politically activated for the first time in her narcissistic life – holds court over the family dinner:

MOM: “So, I saw on “Oprah” today, where horrible accidents in the home kill untold many children every year!  In fact, bear foot-traps, baited with American-made ketchup – the very stuff we put on our “French” fries – has killed at least THREE CHILDREN inside their family homes in rural India in the last seventy-five years!!!”

DAD: “Well, dear, India IS the second most populous country on the planet. Three children out of several billion is statistically insignificant, especially extrapolated over the 75 years…”

MOM (screeching hysterically): “Well it’s three too many, mister! And I aim to do something about it! From now on there will be no ketchup in this house! How could you be so cruel?  IT COULD KILL THE CHILDREN!!! MY GOD! WON’T YOU THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN?! WON’T SOMEONE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!”


SWEET, INNOCENT ENDANGERED CHILD: “Mommy? I like ketchup.”

MOM: “I know, honey. That’s why we need government regulation of the ketchup industry to keep us safe! Until then, mommy has this DNA cheek-swab and fingerprint kit for all of us. Oprah is collecting them all and sending free RFID chips for us to implant under our skin. Just until the government-issued “Homeland Security Tags” are issued.”

FAMILY (in unison): “OH, BOY! THANKS, MOM!”

MOM: “Thanks, Oprah!”(Winks).

 

Later that same night, in the same home, with the precious children safely asleep under video-surveillance-camera-protected, hypoallergenic, flame-retardant beds, mom and dad negotiate:

DAD (conspiratorially): “So, hey there, HotStuff, you wanna fool around some, before we knock off? The kids ARE asleep…?”

MOM: “You know, I watched Dr. Phil today, and he was talking about men who want sex from these womenFrom their WIVES, you sick fuck… I think you need help. I think you need to admit that you have a serious problem here. You need to admit that you are a sick, perverted, weirdo – who wants sex with the mother of your children! Ohhh! – YOU MAKE ME SICK!!! (Slams bathroom door).

DAD: “Did you say “Doctor Phil??”  Oh for fuck sake, Honey, I am sooooo sorry. I swear, I never realized how sick I was… Please help me!!! I never meant I wanted sex with YOU!!! Oh, God, what have I become?!”

So. How stupid are we? Hopefully not as stupid as  the above mentioned "family" (umm, what makes you think I am being autobiographical? Really?)

I am going to ask you to consider this one thing before answering. Consider not consulting only one source for credibility of intellect. I ask you this not to discredit your own intelligence, but in order that we all agree that we have not included disingenuous material from disreputable sources: disregard disinformation distributed depressively.

“Dis” Oprah & Phil. It is they who are  the stupid ones. You  include yourself only when you sign on to their bullshit.

And I think you can do better than that.

 

 

Comments

( 3 Said Sumpin' — You Got Sumpin' Ta Say? )
(Anonymous)
May. 29th, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC)
Dr. Phil doesn't deserve the have the power to ruin your life...don't give him the satisfaction!!

Hope all is going okay. This is the only way I know that you are alive and well so drop me an email sometime.

Rosie
(Anonymous)
May. 26th, 2014 07:57 am (UTC)
He ruined my life in person.
I was actually on the Dr. Phil show. He made me out to be a greedy, unemployed golddigger. In actuality, I was a single working mom just trying to get my ex to pay minimum child support. From shady interview techniques and fixed shots and camera angles helped to shatter my reputation, my self worth and my life. It has taken me 7 years to rebuild and I STILL can't get that humiliating experience out of my head. That man is evil and will ruin lives just for ratings. No one believe the hype.
(no subject) - cezi79 - Mar. 11th, 2017 01:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
( 3 Said Sumpin' — You Got Sumpin' Ta Say? )